This post is part of a multi-part series regarding moving forward with life after loss and the struggles of the reintroduction to “normal life.” The focus of these posts is being prepared and coping with the things that will come as we resume our day to day lives and return to our places of work.
When ever a person deals with a tragic situation, it is very hard to return to a “normal life.” Many people feel the return to normalcy will mark the end of the tragedy that has befallen them. This can be scary for many because they feel like when they have experienced a loss, the return to “normal” means that everything has passed and the one they lost is gone and forgotten forever. Even as I type that statement, it seems like this would be a ridiculous notion, but having lived it I know that it is a true fear. When one has lost a baby, this fear can seem even more real. That is because this type of loss is different. When you lose any other type of person in your life, it is of course a very difficult situation. I could not imagine losing my wife. In the same breathe, I know that I will have the memories of my wife. When you lose a baby, your time with them was very brief. This means that it may feel like there is a much greater chance that you will move on and leave your baby behind.
First, let me start by first quieting your fears. Returning to “normal life” is not the end. Your baby will be a part of you forever. Your baby is a part of your family and will always be a part of it as time move forwards. I think it is important to remember this. For most the return to work can be a welcome change. In some ways it is cathartic. It gives you something to focus on, and in many cases, an outlet as you to talk to your coworkers about what you went through. It also gets you back into your routine and adds some structure back to life. While that can be a little scary because you fear losing touch with your baby, that structure can also be a good thing.
There are however some risks when you return to work. By no means do these risks outweigh the good but it is important to be aware of them going into it so you can be prepared. The most important part about your return is that you do not put too much pressure on yourself. This is not going to be the same as it was before. It is going to take some time for you to get back into things and get your feet wet. Don’t expect to go back and just pick up where you left off. Also, be aware that you will probably not be on your game. This is not just because of being a little rusty, you will also most likely be distracted. I know when I returned to work, I would lose my train of thought and sometimes even felt like I was in a fog. I have read many books and articles that say you should leave your personal life at the door when you arrive at work. “Leave it at the door,” they say. Well this is the sort of thing you can’t leave at the door, so that needs to be recognized before you start.
The next thing you have to watch out for is your coworkers. While venting and sharing with them is common, and many will have questions, be aware that this is going to be difficult for them too. Many will not know how to treat you at all. Some will say the wrong things, while others won’t say anything. Some may even go out of their way to ignore or exclude you for fear of causing you to have some outburst. People see the grieving parent as some type of volatile time bomb that could go off with the simplest comment. While we are emotional, we don’t need to be put in bubble wrap either.
Also know that there will be triggers. This is unavoidable. Something is going to happen or going to be said that is going to set you off. It may make you angry or make you cry or make you need to rush into the bathroom to weep. That is all okay. You are allowed to have feelings and have reactions. You don’t have to explain yourself to anyone.
Finally, timing of your return is very important. You don’t want to stay out too long, but at the same time rushing back is also not the way to handle it. It is best to judge this from a calm place and try to stick with your plan. Take the time to think through your return, and make sure that you are going back when you feel it is right for you. There is no time table for this. You do also have to be careful. I know when I was going through this, there was an anxiety about returning and I felt like I never wanted to go back. I knew though that it was important and would be good for me to get back. This is what I mean about sticking to the plan. I set a date that I would return and even though a part of me wanted to stay out forever, I stuck to my date and went to work. The first day was the hardest but with each day I would find it got a little easier. All you need is a gameplan.
- Life after Loss, Returning to Work: The Big Question - October 19, 2015
- Life after Loss, Returning to Work: Making Your Return - September 18, 2015
- Family Life After Loss - August 31, 2015
My husband and I have both struggled with the return to work, him even more than me. When I started back I had significant issues with trying to merge the reality of what happened with our son with returning to work where nothing had happened. After a year, I still find it very hard, full of triggers. Everything is harder and I hate feeling that I am not as good at my job as I used to be. I no longer feel that I have control over things in my life, which is reflected in how little I feel I can make a difference in my job. I also no longer feel that hard work will get me to where I want to be in life, so motivation is entirely different. For my husband, he is on his third re-entry attempt. The structure of work in his days is actually a major part of the problem, he sometimes ends up going days not sleeping when he has bad nights since he has to be at work early in the morning.
I found your article very interesting and well worth the read. I wish I had it when I had to go back to work. Sara was still-born Dec 10, 2012 and I went back to work in early January…I’m a teacher and I still find it hard to teach other people’s children especially as a high school teacher where some of my students are pregnant. It seems most days I’m on autopilot and just get through. Maybe someday I’ll feel joy again. ?
I wish I had this advice during my return process. I ended up losing my job because of my grief.