My child died, now what?
The first few weeks after my son died, I had absolutely no idea what to do. My whole life was turned upside down. The whole summer that I thought I would be on maternity leave, breastfeeding, taking Micah on walks, going to visit Daddy at work, wasn’t happening. I was back to childless, in an instant. No one can prepare you for that.
I sat in the floor with a notebook, pens, and tissues (sometimes I just gave up on the tissues and went straight to a towel because the tissues couldn’t keep up). I allowed myself to cry and wail, and I wrote anything and everything that came to my mind. It didn’t matter if it made sense, it didn’t matter if it made me sound like a “bad mother” or “bad person”. I had to get those thoughts out, because they were consuming me. I felt like I had to get them on paper so they wouldn’t eat me from the inside out… and you know what, it helped. Writing and crying was about the only thing that helped me for a while.
I still have my writings, but when I was writing them, I thought I would burn a good portion of them when I was done, and you know what, that would have been okay, too.
My suggestion for you is to write. Get your emotions out on paper so you don’t have to hold them all in. Nothing good can come from keeping it all bottled up inside. If you are ashamed of what you write, burn them once they’re out. You don’t have to keep them, but get it out.
Writing is the best therapy.
Her journey into motherhood (and shortly after into the babyloss community) began when Jamie found out she was pregnant in October 2013. Her only son, Micah Alexander was born on May 3, 2014, and passed away at nine days old on May 12, 2014. Micah died due to the CMV virus, which Jamie contracted at 36 weeks pregnant.
Since Micah’s death, Jamie has been passionate about breaking the silence of pregnancy and infant loss, and raising awareness of CMV. She found that writing was very therapeutic, and continued her blog - A Real Beautiful Tragedy - chronicling her pregnancy and subsequent loss.
Jamie is currently organizing an international photography project to raise awareness of pregnancy and baby loss called Releasing the Mask. You can find Jamie’s photography on her website, Jamie Wells Photography, and watch her video to remember baby Micah and raise CMV awareness on YouTube.
- Writing as therapy - September 4, 2015
- Isolation - August 10, 2015
- Letting Yourself Cry - July 10, 2015