Dear David,
I see you. I see you my love.
I see when you look just a little too long at her picture on the wall. I see how your heart aches when you can’t find the right words to comfort me. I watch your face go hallow when you’re reminded what we’re missing out on. Every now and again I see you glance at me when I’m holding your niece, a little spark of what if in your eye.
But you never admit it, never let me know when you’re broken. Maybe it’s a pride thing, this idea that if you fall apart too who will clean up? Who will put us back together again? I’m going to let you know this Father’s Day that you don’t have to be the strong one anymore. You don’t have to be quiet and stoic in fear that you’ll upset me more.
Sweetheart, our baby died, you can’t possibly hurt me more than that hurt me. As long as you’re talking to me, you can’t say the wrong thing. And I know, it’s so easy to say that now, after the fights and the tears and the hardest, darkest year of our lives. A year we nearly didn’t survive. But we did. We made it. We’re here, you don’t have to hold us both up anymore.
I want you to know the moments you cracked in front of me are little gems I hold close, because seeing your love for Addie just ignites a passion deep in me. Never be ashamed, she deserves tears, she deserves to be missed.
I remember how you glowed when you held your little girl. You’re meant to be a father, you’re meant to have her in your arms; it was never clearer to me then it was on that day. I’ve never been more in love with you than I was at that very moment. I know she stole your heart when she left us, how could she not? She looked so much like you, a Russell, through and through. You gave her her long legs, her big feet, and her halo blonde hair. She was born to be daddy’s little girl.
I’m sorry you don’t feel like you’re a dad. That you didn’t get the chance to do all the daddy things you’ve dreamt of with your daughter. That you feel like you were only a dad for a couple hours.
Baby, listen to me; you couldn’t be more wrong.
You’re her daddy every time you speak her name. You’re her dad because you walk with her memory intertwined with your soul. You’re her daddy because you were brave enough to hold her, and wait with her as she left us. I know it goes against everything instinctually, you’re the protector, the provider, the defender of this family, and you had to let our most precious gift go. But she’s still yours, she’s still your daughter. You’re the father of all fathers, the daddy of a little girl that uplifts everyone who hears her story, the papa of a hero.
And I know you’re proud, I see it in your eyes when you look at her photograph.
I couldn’t dream of a better father for our little girl, and I’m so thankful I have you by my side through this journey. Once you told me we could never be apart because we had this beautiful tragedy together, and you know you’re right. We will always be Addison’s mom, and Addison’s dad and I wouldn’t trade that for the world. I love you Dee, Happy Fathers Day.
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