Father’s Day is this Sunday. Another day that hurts as a loss parent, and cuts deep as a Still Parent.

Another holiday to shine a spotlight on the huge gaping hole in our lives and the precious child missing from our arms.

Is it a day to hide in bed? Or cry all day? Or have an argument for no apparent reason? Yes, maybe. Stress and grief manifest themselves in many different ways. It’s normal. Heartache changes you.

Maybe you want to find the *perfect* way to show your husband/partner just how special he is, and to honour his fatherhood, however far from your dreams it may be.

Mostly, it’s a day to honor the men who became fathers the moment a new life began, no matter how long that life remained. The day to say: you’re a father who deserves just as much recognition and respect as every other father, and probably even more.

For Still Fathers, the day can bring up all the feelings of sadness, anger, hurt, frustration, and emptiness (to name a few) that accompanied your child’s death. Not having a living child makes it seems like the day may not be for you, but nothing could be further from the truth. You are a father. Not even death can take that from you.

As Still Mothers, you feel heartbroken as you imagine all the ways you dreamed of helping your child honour his or her father and it can feel like the worst injustice possible that your child is not here to celebrate. It may feel like you’d rather just crawl in a hole than face another stupid holiday.  You also may feel the urgent desire to let your husband/partner know how special he is to you, and your child.

As you make plans for honouring the Still Fathers in your life, here are some things to consider:

• There is no right of wrong way to do this. Follow your heart, and be gentle with yourself, and him. Ask him directly what he’d like/not like, and respect his wishes. This is his day.
• Look for the things he does to remember your child, and highlight them. That’s his way of parenting your child after death, and those are the things to celebrate.
• It can be very painful to be out in the world surrounded by families with living children. Be mindful of this as you make plans. Depending on his desires, it can be a good idea to simply plan a special day at home, or somewhere with fewer families.
• Making or buying a special gift from your child to his/her daddy can be a nice way to both honour him and your child’s memory. Depending on your husband/partner, you may find gifts that say “I love my daddy” or “Best Daddy Ever”, etc, to be great ways to help solidify his identity as a dad. Again, follow his lead.
• If you husband/partner doesn’t wish to acknowledge his fatherhood, it can be painful for you. Try to remember that it’s his choice how he would like to spend this day. He may want to participate, he may not. Either choice is okay. If you need time alone to process your emotions about this, that’s okay too.
• If it’s something he would like, be sure to let family and friends know how you’d like them to honour him on this day. Maybe they could send texts wishing him a “Happy Father’s Day”, or maybe calls/cards/emails/etc that show him people acknowledge his fatherhood. Many times people don’t know what to do and err on the side of not saying anything in fear of upsetting you. Be sure to clearly say to people what you’d like/not like.
• If your husband does not want to participate in the day, you could do something special for him just because. Make him a special meal or do something nice for him.

Father’s Day is a day that’s not at all how it should be. Be gentle with yourself. Follow your heart. Respect his wishes. Give yourself lots of room to feel all the emotions that come with this day.

To all of the Still Fathers: we honour your fatherhood and wish you a gentle day filled with reminders of how wonderful you are!