No one likes to lose. It is part of our human nature to want to win. We are taught to be competitive, to always do our best. And while there is nothing wrong with trying to win, we must also learn to lose. In every competition, someone loses. Whether it’s a youth softball game, or the Superbowl, half the people leave having lost. And sometimes, no matter how hard you try, or how well you play, you still lose.
In life, loss is inevitable. But not everyone will experience loss in the same way. If you’re reading this you may have lost a child. But even if you haven’t, you obviously care about someone who has. I read an article recently that stressed that you don’t have to understand a loss, to love the person who lost. That really stuck with me, as so many people have expressed that they wish they knew how to help, but know they could never understand how we feel.
Understanding is not necessary, but compassion is. We have learned to lose because we had no choice. What did we lose? We lost a baby, we lost a messy toddler, we lost an inquisitive 8 year old, we lost a moody teenager, we lost a high school graduate, we lost a future daughter-in-law and grandchildren…we lost our son, Cyrus, and the person he would have become. We lost something that can never be replaced, a life and a future with our son. I realize that no one likes to think of this because it is so terribly sad, and all you want is to make us better. But here’s the thing, you can’t make us better because there is nothing wrong with us. We are experiencing a very natural reaction to a very unnatural tragedy. And while we will not be sad forever, we are broken, and that’s ok.
Don’t be overwhelmed by the gravity of our loss; be encouraged by the depth of our love. Grief is different for everyone and it is unfair to judge the grief of someone whose loss you have not experienced. Clichés and thinly veiled advice are not helpful. So love us where we are. Stand with us in our pain, walk with us in our grief, hold our hand as we pick up the pieces and learn to live our new life. A life where we will always hurt, but a life that can be beautiful again in time.
- The Roads We Take - December 31, 2016
- Irreplaceable - July 27, 2016
- No Footprints in the Snow - February 29, 2016
such beautiful thoughts. It is hard to get past the grief. It never really goes away but there are two other reasons to keep living. One is two years old and the other one is kicking inside my womb. That is how I push myself. Along with much prayer.
Beautifully written. I too felt your pain when my daughter died 2 1/2 years ago, she was just under 3 months old. I’m just now learning to live again and trying to tell myself daily to “Think Happy Thoughts”. Thanks for writing this article.
Thank you for sharing Catherine. It’s a lifelong journey I think…this living without our children. I’m glad you could relate to Alex’s article <3