Grieving is something that can be very hard on a couple. In many cases, grieving the loss of a child can tear a marriage apart. That being said, it is important for both parties to work together and realize that supporting each other and joining together in this difficult time is integral on making it through together.
Husbands tend to take the support thing differently. They do not want to let their wives know they are hurting, because it is ingrained in them from a young age that they have to be the “strong one.” They are to be the rock of the marriage and the wife is supposed to lean on them, not the other way around.
My wife Heather and I were fortunate to be going to a Christian counsellor when we went through the loss of our daughter Hannah. He was able to guide us through some of the tougher things that we faced. Having a safe place to go is one of the best things you can do for your relationship. There are a few things though a wife can do to help her husband through this tough time.
- Remember that you both will grieve differently. This might be the most important. Men are taught to be hard and tough and to never show weakness. That is all well and good, but in times like this it can come across as cold and callous. Sometimes it even seems like men may not care. This is because we grieve differently. Know that deep down, we are hurting too, we just may be expressing it differently.
- Let him know you are there. Because men are trained to be tough, in many cases it is a good idea to let your spouse or partner know that you are there if they want to talk or share. Giving him that permission may help him to let down that wall.
- Set up some rules of communication. Set boundaries and limits. It is okay for you to have some kind of code word. In our house we say, “I’m full.” This means, for whatever reason, that is the most conversation we can have productively about the topic for now. We can resume the conversation later, but stopping when you reach a breaking point is a good way to avoid fights and hurt feelings. Talking this out early on and establishing an open lane of communication makes working through this much more manageable.
- Do not allow your grief to make you say things you do not mean. This is the hardest. Grief can make us do and say a lot. Even for myself as a husband, I have to guard myself against this. It is very hard but very important. If you mess up and it does happen, then it is imperative you go to your wife and let her know that you did act out of emotion and you are sorry.
- Most of all, it is important to work together. This issue comes at you as a couple, so it is best to approach it as a couple and not as individuals. Lean on each other. Letting each other know that you are simply there is sometimes the best thing you can do.
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my daughter and her husband loss a wonderful little baby boy may 12, 2014, she has been so strong and her husband has been so good to her that I needed to tell someone how good he has been. his name is johnathan wells
I’m so glad that your son-in-law has been so amazing with your daughter, and I hope that he is getting lots of support too. Thank you for sharing with us <3
The I’m full or a similar code word is a great idea. I can push push and push my husband to talk to me and I never know when he has had enough. I am going to suggest this to him. It also seems like it would work when talking at the current moment just isn’t right. Sometimes you need to settle your emotions down and even a code word will help to recognize its not shutting down from talking.
It’s a really good idea isn’t it?
My husband and I lost three children. With our first loss (stillbirth), my husband just took over, as I became so lost in my grief, I was incapable of functioning. With losses 2 and 3 (both SIDS), we grieved together. Unfortunately, we both knew what to expect with our grief, having lost a child(ren) already. I believe what saved our relationship was the ability to take time to grieve together. Neither of us were forced back into lives when we weren’t ready to do so. If we had, I suspect our grief would have become a force which destroyed us. Instead, it bound us together.
I agree with your comment about being forced back into lives before you are ready. I had retired the year previous and was only working casual, so the pressure was less for me. My husband had one more year to go before retirement and actually never returned to work. He used all his sick time to take him to retirement and is now just working a seasonal summer job to get him out and about. It would have been so much more difficult to go back and put on that facade of being OK when you weren’t. There was a day at work when it was just after the one year anniversary and I had a melt down. My employer was super and I was able to leave and take the time off to regroup. Your thinking processes are much different. You don’t have the memory for things or the same energy. Sometimes a danger to be at work. I am a nurse and I certainly didn’t want to put someone in harms way because of my lack of focus. As I use my work as my way to cope,but it sometimes becomes a barrier to us being together and working through our grief. It takes the both of us for our remaining children and we both want to be there for them.
My husband wanted to go back to work almost right away. His work kind of forced him to have about 2 months off after our son died. I was lucky in that I was able to have my entire maternity leave. My husband did think it would be good for me to go back sooner, but I wasn’t ready. I did force myself after some time to go back, but I think it was helpful at that point. I’m not sure I would have every been ready.
I’m glad that you and your husband were able to grow closer together after the deaths of your children <3
It is very different this time, as we had lost a baby in 1995. Losing an adult child (age 24) that he had a friend relationship with makes it so different. I am worried we are drifting apart as we grieve so differently. I just need my space sometimes and that offends him. I know this is hard work and I think others don’t realize that. It doesn’t end when the funeral is over. It never ends and men are not given the tools they need because we tell them Be strong, don’t cry, etc. More men need to have their own grief groups to share what their feelings are on the subject and get some support outside of the marital relationship. We all have to support one another in this terrible journey and gain strength and learn that we are different now. Nothing is the same. I am glad you wrote this so more men can understand.
Thank you so much for sharing. I have had that fear too…like maybe the death of our son is too much for us to handle. We certainly didn’t know before he died how either of us would cope with such a loss, and it has been a learning curve for both of us as we are so incredibly different.
I think you are really spot on when you say that men aren’t necessarily given the tools that they need. It is a great idea for men to have groups, however I’m not sure if your husband is like mine in that, I don’t think he’d go even if it were an option for him.
We actually did attend 2 different grief groups in the first 6 months. They were both men and women. He did connect with one man at one group, that I why I think men need their own group. He certainly didn’t come when our baby died, as he had no connection to the baby. As a mother who carried him for the 9 months I did. He actually asked to go to these ones and we made every one. I know it has just been a year but the year mark was more difficult than either of us thought it was going to be. Support now is more important.
I do have to agree with you. Anniversary dates of different events are just as hard if not harder than the initial situation. I know at our 1 year mark, all new feelings and hurt came up again. I appreciate you sharing your story.
Anniversaries are always difficult, and I hope that you are still being gentle with yourselves.
It has ruined my marriage. 33 years. During everything, he was never there for me or any of his other children. Just full of anger. Proud that he will never change. Well, I did change.
Thank you Fran for sharing. I think that there are probably quite a few people here who have marital problems after their child dies. Both parties have to be willing to work on it, for the sake of their partner/spouse, and a lot of times that doesn’t happen. I’m so sorry to hear about how difficult it has been for you.
Excellent input. I wish I had this when my husband and I lost our son. It almost ruined our marriage as we grieved so very differently. I hope your new readers will learn from this. I thought this was really good advice. Its nice to get a man’s perspective. Thanks you!
Thanks for sharing Marcella, and we’re very glad that you found this article to be helpful. We are always looking for ways to better support the community that we represent. This topic was actually a request from one of our readers.
my daughter was also called Hannah. Its a beautiful name. I am sorry for your loss. thank you for this article, it is very helpful.
Thank you for sharing Kim <3