When I found out I was pregnant, it was as if my entire life started to revolve around my son, Micah. I worried about him constantly (even before I knew he was a “him”). When I drove, I thought about Micah. When I sneezed, would it hurt Micah? Every time I did anything, I thought about Micah.
All of my decisions involved Micah, everything I ate was for Micah, most of my purchases were for Micah. Everything seemed to be based on Micah. My thoughts about the future swirled with his first birthday party, opening Christmas presents, sports he might play, high school graduations, even our Mother-Son dance at his wedding. Not once did I imagine a future without Micah in it.
Then, suddenly, Micah was gone. I felt completely lost after he died because for months I had been living for him. I was going to be Micah’s mom. Where was I now that I had no living son to mother? What was I? Who was I?
I’m learning to live for myself again. I’m learning how to be happy with me. I’ve had to redefine myself, and not in the way that I wanted or imagined. I am a childless mother. However I am also a wife, a daughter, a granddaughter, a sister, a doggie mom, a mental health clinician, and so many other things. I had to remind myself that I wasn’t defined by Micah. Yes, he has helped to shape me and he turned me into a mother – but I am more than that. I can still have a future, even without Micah being a physical part of it.
It has been a slow process, but I am learning how to enjoy life and live for myself and my husband again. I got a puppy, started my photography business, began exercising and gardening, learned new recipes, started renovating my house, and became best friends with Netflix. I had to teach myself how to move forward in life without having a child to mother in the traditional way.
I’ve had to learn to not feel guilty for my choices, and I still have to remind myself often that Micah would want me to be as happy as I can be. When I get down, sad, or depressed, I remind myself that even though I don’t have Micah, I do have plenty to live for.
Don’t feel guilty for living for yourself. Don’t feel guilty for enjoying life, laughing, or having fun after you’ve lost a child. Being depressed won’t bring your child back. Instead, honor your child by choosing to live a fulfilling life.
Her journey into motherhood (and shortly after into the babyloss community) began when Jamie found out she was pregnant in October 2013. Her only son, Micah Alexander was born on May 3, 2014, and passed away at nine days old on May 12, 2014. Micah died due to the CMV virus, which Jamie contracted at 36 weeks pregnant.
Since Micah’s death, Jamie has been passionate about breaking the silence of pregnancy and infant loss, and raising awareness of CMV. She found that writing was very therapeutic, and continued her blog - A Real Beautiful Tragedy - chronicling her pregnancy and subsequent loss.
Jamie is currently organizing an international photography project to raise awareness of pregnancy and baby loss called Releasing the Mask. You can find Jamie’s photography on her website, Jamie Wells Photography, and watch her video to remember baby Micah and raise CMV awareness on YouTube.
- Writing as therapy - September 4, 2015
- Isolation - August 10, 2015
- Letting Yourself Cry - July 10, 2015