This Sunday will be my third Mother’s Day, yet I have not been able to fully celebrate a single one. My first Mother’s day was in 2013. I was just a few weeks along with our first child, but we had not told anyone yet. I was terrified that I would miscarry, and it was quite a difficult day. I felt torn between celebration and fear. Although it was tough, I will always remember that my husband gave me a card. It was a simple gesture, but it meant so much to me, that to at least one person, I WAS a mom.

My second Mother’s Day was last year in 2014. Although we didn’t miscarry, our son was diagnosed with a fatal birth defect at our 12 week ultrasound. We were blessed to carry him for 33 weeks and he passed 1 hour and 9 minutes after birth. So my second Mother’s Day was filled with great heartache. Although I was happy to be publicly recognized and celebrated as a mother, the ache of empty arms is overwhelming.

So now, as my third child-less Mother’s Day approaches, I still feel torn. I am not exactly looking forward to the day, but I am not necessarily dreading it either. I know that I am a mother, no matter what the day. I am a mother because my son is never not on my mind. I am a mother because I have loved my son unconditionally since before he even existed. I am a mother because I would trade my own life for my son’s, if only given the chance. I am a mother because no matter how the world defines motherhood, I know I am a mother

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Alex Hopper

Alex Hopper is a freelance writer living in North Carolina. She has been happily married to Trent for 7 years. Their son, Cyrus, was diagnosed with a rare fatal birth defect at their 12 week ultrasound. They chose to fight for his life and to carry him with love for as long as they could. He was born on November 25, 2013 at 33 weeks and lived for a precious 1 hour and 9 minutes. They are heartbroken that he is gone but thankful for his life and know that he will never be forgotten. He is their only child. Now Alex chooses to write openly and honestly about her grieving process and hopes that her words will help others feel less alone. She created and writes at Hope in the Heartache, and is a writer for All That Love Can Do.

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